Convo w/ 7-Eleven Clerk...

711 Clerk: $7.43 please

Me: Ok here's 7 and I think I have 43 cents. One sec...*frantically searching bottom of black hole pocketbook*

711: Are you always smelling like this?

Me *looking up into his face for clarity b/c I can't believe what I just heard* ...I'm sorry, am I always...what?

711: Smelling. Are you always smelling like this?

Me *combing my  brain to remember what I cooked for dinner while trying to remain cool and uneffected*:  I...ummm..I...what do I smell like? WhaT?!?

711 Clerk: No ma'am. SMILE!! *flashes Kool-Aid smlie* Are you always SMILING like this?

Me:  OOOOH! Smile! Well yes, I usually am.

711 Clerk: Is pretty to see this. Thank you. Have a good night.

LOLOL Chiiiiiile! Talk about communication barrier and breakdown. I'm so glad I didn't act out and show my derrière. Could you imagine? Geeze...

Dear Ivy...

(source)

Convo...between Mommy & Bro-in-law

BIL:  Wow...this is the longest day I've had in 24 hours

Mommy:  It is? Because I think they come in one size fits all

Convo w/ O...

O: I like your outfit. You look nice.
Me *Flattered*: Thanks Om!
O: Welcome. You look regular today. (Selah...)
Me *Squinting and Confused*:......Rrregular???
O: Yeah, you look regular. Like a normal person. (That is an exact quote)

Me *Mentally searchin' for my machete*: Ex-cuh-yuse me??!! Ok so if today, I like "like a normal person", how do I usually look?
O: *Not realizing he should be heading for cover and dialing 911*: You know, all different. Not like everybody else. All Sex-In-The-City-New-York-ish. Not like a regular everyday person.
Me *Throwing the machete back in the trunk and simmering down at the thought of Carrie's outfit in the first scene of The Movie. LOVE LOVE LOVE the white flower! NEED NEED NEED the white flower!!*: What!! Is there something wrong with that?
O: *Oblivious to his near death experience*: No, you just don't look like you fit it with everyone else. You know, like goth people. When you see them, they don't look like they fit in. You usually stand out like that.
Me *Still squinting because I don't know what to make of this*: Oh, ok...

Ok so you tell me. Is this comparable?

VS.

VS.

VS.


Verdict: O needs an eye doctor appointment and a thesaurus...

Convo w/ Bell Ringer in Walmart Entrance

Heaven help me.....

Yesterday, I ran into Walmart to get something small to satisfy my sweet tooth*. As I'm approaching, I can hear the Bell Ringer standing outside talking LOUDLY on his cell phone. Yes, he's on the phone on a personal call while ring-a-ling-a-linging his Salvation Army bell, wearing his red apron and Santa hat OVER his backwards baseball cap. LOL That alone is a blog in itself. He was talking sooo loud that I could hear the whole conversation over his bell. Needless to say, the first parts of what I heart were so comical and I started walking slower to hear more...

Salvation Army Bell Ringer: "Nah, girl. I can't come by there right now. I'm at a charity event. Gonna be here for a few more hours raising funds. I'll call you when I get in the car...."

I laughed to myself. I, of course, went to put my change in the red bucket thing. After I threw it in, he thanked me:

Salvation Army Bell Ringer: Thanks you so much Ma'am...but would you like to donate some of your time.
Ivy, knowing what's about to go down: I'm Sorry?
Bell-Ringing, Santa-hat Wearing Pimp: I would appreciate if you would donate some of your time to my personal cause..(But wait, it gets better)...Tax-free, girl! *winking*

I just walked away, cracking up!! That was a really, really good one!!! I got a wink and all!!! So I'm standing in line, realizing that I'm gonna have to walk by him again. I was actually amused to see what he would say this time! But when I walk through the doors, he was on the phone AGAIN!!!

Soon-To-Be-Unemployed Salvation Army Bell Ringer: "Hey sweetheart. This is (his name). I've been trying to call you all day, sugar. What's up with that? I'm at a charity event now so I'll call you when I get in the car. Aye, don't have me waiting all night. Trust me, I don't have to wait alone...."

Again, I say, why does this always happen to me? Someone please tell me why I continue to shop at Walmart? It never fails...

So look, clearly, this man is out of a job. Click here to help The Salvation Army recover the losses of hiring this moron.

*"something small to satisfy my sweet tooth" turned into ingredients to make a double chocolate cake with Chocolate Double Cream Frosting, apple fritters, caramel sauce, Breyers Vanilla Ice cream and two slices of cheesecake. LOL And in true Ivy form, I got all that and didn't even eat any of it. I made the cake last night and it's in the fridge untouched. Can I email you a piece?

Convo w/ Stranger in Walmart Parking Lot

Why does this happen to me all the time? It's always a man who thinks he's Big Daddy Kane and just as smooth as you please, ready to wine and dine me. LOL It truly never fails.

Fake Pimp: Hey baby. How you doing tonight?
Me: I am well. Thank you. *walking past him*
Fake Pimp: Aye, you got a cigarette I can buy off of you.
Me, Trying Not to Roll My Eyes: No. I don't smoke.
Fake Pimp: Well good for you! You don't look like the type to smoke. Shoooot, as fine as you are. Hmm...girl, you fine.
Disgusted, Speed Walking Me: Thank you. *walking away rolling my eyes*

If I don't look like the type that smokes, why is he talking to me?

I Love...

Mel! Not only because she gave me my beautiful Goddaughter but because of comments like this...

Me: Why she gotta be so tacky? And she got the nerve to want $83.00 for these! Tina!

I Like:

Angel
by Dereon

Mel: No she don’t want $83.00 for those shoes she got in bulk from Payless (the dyeables) and had them dyed. No she don’t. Say it ain’t so!!

Love her!